


shouldn't couldn't wouldn't

by hamssi



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Feels, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-12-22 22:38:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21084254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamssi/pseuds/hamssi
Summary: Donghyuck looks good; better. There’s a glow to him that Jisung has never seen before, and Jisung is completely enamoured.“Hi Jisung. Still working here, huh?”





	shouldn't couldn't wouldn't

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by "shouldn't couldn't wouldn't" by niki.
> 
> too lazy to edit this so if there are any mistakes let me know!! also i will add more tags later 
> 
> happy reading :D

Lee Donghyuck is a heartbreaker.

At least that’s what Jisung thinks. Donghyuck has broken his heart on more than one occasion, so his thoughts are entirely justified.

It’s a common occurrence, really, and it happens again when Donghyuck comes home for his winter break. It’s been months since Jisung has last seen him, the other boy living it up at a college about four hours away. He doesn’t remember the last time they had a proper conversation, but he still feels betrayed when Donghyuck shows up to the ice cream shop with a pretty boy in tow.

Jisung hasn’t had any customers all day. The weather outside is much too bitter for good business, so the ringing of the bell by the front entrance is more than enough to have him shoving his phone into the pocket of his apron clumsily. He stands up with such urgence that the stool under him digs into the tiles of the shop with an unpleasant screech. Jisung grimaces but puts on a smile for the customer, natural and sweet.

“Welcome to Scoops!” Jisung’s eyes deceive him, or so he thinks. “Donghyuck?”

Lee Donghyuck, also known as Jisung’s next door neighbor and lifelong crush, stares at him over the counter for the first time in months. Jisung feels like he’s diving headfirst into a pool of ice cold water with nothing but swimming shorts on; the feeling is overwhelming.

And it’s him, of course it is. Lee Donghyuck sends him a smile and Jisung’s breath gets caught in his throat a second time.

He’s dressed for the weather, black knit sweater snug on his body like it’s made for him. (Maybe it is, Jisung vaguely remembers Donghyuck making a tweet about knitting just a month ago.) His hair is dyed a shade of ash brown, a stark contrast to the black that he left with, and there’s a red scarf lazily wrapped around neck.

Donghyuck looks good; better. There’s a glow to him that Jisung has never seen before, and Jisung is completely enamoured.

“Hi Jisung. Still working here, huh?”

Jisung’s cheeks flush with color. In an attempt to avert his eyes, he ends up making eye contact with a blonde boy at Donghyuck’s side. Jisung doesn’t recognize him, but he has eyes, and his eyes tell him clearly that the boy is gentle and sweet. His gaze drops just slightly and he’s met with the sight of Donghyuck and Nice Stranger’s pinkies linked together.

Jisung quickly decides that as nice as the boy looks, he hates him.

Donghyuck follows Jisung’s line of vision, seemingly just remembering that, indeed, there is a boy next to him.

“Oh! This is Jeno.”

Jeno doesn’t smile all the way, but Jisung can see enough of it in his eyes. He’s tired of it already.

“Hello,” Jisung suddenly remembers that he has a job. “Cookie dough for you, Hyuckie?” The name slips past his lips before he can even think twice about it.

Jeno seems to take note of it, head whipping to the side as he raises an eyebrow. “Hyuckie?” 

Donghyuck’s face flushes with color, and out of the corner of his eye, Jisung sees Jeno lace their fingers together and he thinks he’s going to be sick. 

“We grew up together,” Donghyuck shrugs it off, but nods up at Jisung anyway. “One small cookie dough and one small mint chocolate, please!”

Jisung spends the next half hour on the stool again, phone in hand like it’s his lifeline. He’s looked up once, but after seeing Donghyuck and Jeno share a kiss in one of the booths in the back corner of the shop, he decides that he’s better off not raising his head again.

The next time he looks in their direction is when Donghyuck is saying goodbye, one hand lifted in a wave and the other tugging on the sleeve of Jeno’s sweater. Jisung makes a point to ignore Jeno’s stare completely, waving back at Donghyuck only because he does _ not _ like Jeno. 

(He likes Donghyuck, though.)

_ “Do you really have to go?” _

_ Jisung’s voice holds so much heartbreak that he winces, ducking his head down to avoid the older boy’s gaze. Donghyuck reaches out, tucking a lock of Jisung’s black hair behind his ear. _

_ “I do.” _

_ “Don’t… please.” _

_ “No promises, Jisung,” Donghyuck hums, the softest of smiles on his face as his eyes flicker towards the younger’s mouth. _

_ Jisung’s lips part just slightly to say something, but Donghyuck is already pressing his lips to his. It’s Jisung’s first kiss, but he doesn’t mention it. _

_ “I’ll be back in a couple of months, okay? I won’t be gone for that long. I promise I’ll come back for you.” _

_ Jisung learns months later that Donghyuck doesn’t mean it. _

The next time Jisung gets his heart broken by Donghyuck is some time in the middle of spring. 

Donghyuck texts him mid-March to say that he’s coming home for the weekend, so naturally, Jisung texts everyone he knows that works at _ Scoops _asking if they can take over for him.

By some miracle, he manages to get all but one of his shifts covered, but it doesn’t matter. Sunday night is when Donghyuck leaves anyway.

“Hi,” Jisung greets Donghyuck when the boy shows up at his front door on Friday afternoon. He tries not to smile so big; Donghyuck has a habit of seeing right through him. It’s nothing short of a miracle that Donghyuck hasn’t figured out Jisung’s little crush on him yet.

Donghyuck is wearing pink today, his shirt just the right shade of rosy that he almost blends in with the flowers in Jisung’s (mom’s) garden.

“Jisung!” Donghyuck doesn’t give him time to breathe before he’s wrapping the younger boy up in his arms, chin tucked into the space between Jisung’s neck and left shoulder.

Jisung’s cheeks paint themselves pink, his hands hesitantly coming up from his sides to rest awkwardly on Donghyuck’s shoulders. With much regret, he pushes the older boy away gently.

“Why are you home? Isn’t your break in two weeks?”

Donghyuck only beams up at Jisung, hands still resting on his waist. The heat of them burns through Jisung’s white tee. 

“Wanted to see you. I was too impatient to wait,” Donghyuck’s smile is replaced with a pout.

Jisung’s heart flutters at the thought of Donghyuck driving the four hours it takes to go back home just to see him. His hands bunch up at his sides, his thumb pressing into one of his knuckles. “Oh, really?”

Donghyuck nods excitedly, “That, and it’s my sister’s first piano recital tomorrow morning.” 

Jisung deflates a little on the inside. Of course there’s another reason, he should’ve known. 

“Anyway,” Donghyuck bends down to pick up a tote bag and Jisung can hear the rustling of what sounds like snack bags inside. “Wanna binge watch some anime? I bought strawberry Hello Panda for you.”

Jisung laughs and reaches out to hook his finger on the bottom hem of Donghyuck’s shirt, pulling him through the front door, “You know me too well.”

“I do,” Donghyuck remarks, waving at Jisung’s mom when they pass by the kitchen.

They settle into Jisung’s room comfortably, their backs pressed up against the younger boy’s bed. A homemade knit blanket lays across their laps as the two of them munch on food that is barely considered food, but they have smiles on their faces nonetheless, eyes glued to the screen of Jisung’s four-year-old laptop.

They’re halfway through Sword Art Online’s first season when Donghyuck speaks up about something that isn’t criticizing the story.

“Jeno broke up with me.”

And as wrong as it is, Jisung lets out an internal sigh of relief.

“When? And why?” Jisung turns to look at Donghyuck, who’s fiddling with the small bag of green tea Kit Kats. The frown on his face now comes as a surprise to Jisung. He was just smiling a minute ago.

Donghyuck seems to hesitate at the question, dropping the bag onto the floor in between his crossed legs, eyes still avoiding Jisung’s as he lifts his head to answer, “He said some bullshit about us not being meant for each other. Something along those lines, at least.”

“Oh.” Jisung is a little surprised to hear the answer. 

“I think we’re still friends, though.”

And Jisung, the idiot that he is, blurts out something that he’d regret in the very, _ very _near future. “Does that mean I have a chance with you again?”

Donghyuck freezes upon hearing Jisung’s words, his finger stopping in its place where it was tracing the lines on the blanket in his lap.

Jisung doesn’t get an answer, but he finds it somewhere in between Donghyuck’s refusal to answer and the empty goodbye the older boy offers as he leaves his house just minutes later. 

Donghyuck ignores him for weeks.

_ “Jisungie, what do you think would happen if we dated?” _

_ Donghyuck is laying on his bed, holding a book above his head with straightened arms. He’s dropped the book on his nose multiple times now, and it doesn’t help that it’s a hardcover copy. _

_ Jisung’s in the middle of solving an algebra problem that he doesn’t quite understand, so he’s thankful for the opportunity to put down his pencil even for a moment. He swivels around in Donghyuck’s computer chair to face him. _

_ “I don’t know, why?” _

_ Donghyuck sits up straight and crosses his legs, dropping the book in his lap. “Just wondering. But it would be weird, right?” _

_ Jisung thinks about it for a moment. _

_ Would it be weird? They’ve known each other since they were in the early years of elementary school and they’ve done nearly everything together since then. Holding hands with Donghyuck isn’t so bad, anyway, and boys are allowed to like other boys! _

_ “Well, I think it wouldn’t be too bad. We know each other like the backs of our hands. It doesn’t matter, though, we’re only in middle school.” _

_ The boy on the bed looks at Jisung with a look that he can’t really decipher, “Oh, that’s true. You call me annoying all the time, though.” _

_ Jisung rolls his eyes and turns back around to face the desk, picking up his pencil to continue his work. _

_ “Doesn’t matter. Just because you’re annoying doesn’t mean I love you any less.” _

_ Donghyuck stays quiet. _

Donghyuck approaches Jisung after Chenle’s graduation dinner with a look on his face that Jisung is honestly a little scared of.

They’ve been avoiding each other’s eyes since their group of friends and family met up for the celebration two hours ago. The only person that notices their weird tension is Kun, Chenle’s older brother, but the most he does about it is raise his eyebrows at Jisung when he doesn’t immediately sit next to Donghyuck. Jisung shakes his head and Kun doesn’t pry.

“I need to talk to you,” Donghyuck sounds a little nervous but Jisung can’t blame him. This is the worst fight (Is it a fight?) they’ve had in their entire friendship.

Jisung lets himself be pulled out of the stuffy, family-owned Chinese restaurant without protest, his hand enjoying the warmth of Donghyuck’s. His palm is a little sweaty, but Jisung grips it tighter because he knows the hand-holding isn’t going to last much longer.

They stop somewhere in the middle of the parking lot and Jisung glues his eyes to the sunset just behind Donghyuck, too afraid to look him in the eye.

“Jisung,” Donghyuck doesn’t let go of his hand and it’s Jisung’s worst nightmare, “Look at me, please.”

It takes him a while, but Jisung looks up at one point, eyes meeting Donghyuck’s. He can’t bring himself to look away after that, too mesmerized to even think of looking somewhere else. This is exactly what he was scared of.

Jisung’s mouth moves on its own once again, but he doesn’t have many regrets this time. He has nothing else to lose. “You’re so pretty.”

Donghyuck breaks their eye contact for a moment, looking down at their joined hands. He rocks back and forth on his heels and Jisung feels like they’re back in first grade again, when Donghyuck would get in trouble and fidget uncomfortably, much like he’s doing right now. Jisung moves forward to plant the outsoles of his shoes on Donghyuck’s toes to stop the motion. Donghyuck still hasn’t said a word.

“Why are you nervous? Wasn’t I the one who embarrassed myself?” Jisung tilts his head to the side. 

“Because I’m about to break your heart, Jisung.”

“Oh.” _ It wouldn’t be the first time_.

Donghyuck lifts his eyes again and they’re slightly glazed over. He squeezes Jisung’s hand and sighs, “You asked if you had a chance with me.” Jisung nods. “I don’t know.”

“Why?” Jisung pries, and he’s _ desperate_.

“Nothing is lining up for us, Jisung.” He’s lying, they both know it. “I’m so far all the time and I’m meeting new people everyday. You’re going to be meeting new people, too. We’re too young and we just… can’t. I’m sorry.”

It’s bullshit, but Jisung hates the way he caves. _ He doesn’t think I can make him happy _ is what Jisung thinks Donghyuck means. It makes sense, at least.

“Okay,” Jisung whispers, pulling his hand out of Donghyuck’s hold. “That’s fine.”

The words feel like poison sitting on his tongue, but if Donghyuck can lie then Jisung can too.

Donghyuck looks unsure. “We can stay friends, yeah?”

Jisung barely gives it any thought before replying, “We shouldn’t.” He takes a step back. “I mean, I couldn’t do that to myself and it just wouldn’t make any sense, you know?” Another step. “I’ll see you around, Hyuck.” It’s the last thing he says before turning his back to the older.

Jisung walks, no certain destination in mind. When he passes by the restaurant, he sends Chenle a quick text saying that he doesn’t feel well, and that he’ll make up for it later.

His thoughts are busy, too much going through his head for him to even think about crying. He tries to clear his head by going on his phone, but all he sees are stories full of people holding hands and tweets about cute dates. _ They’ve got it easy_, he thinks.

If he had Donghyuck’s heart, it wouldn't be this hard.

**Author's Note:**

> don't worry there will most likely be a second part to this ... MOST LIKELY
> 
> [twitter](http://twitter.com/m4rksung) | [cc](http://curiouscat.me/honeychenji)


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